SECRETS OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

by Debra Cohen, LCSW

How can we improve communication and understanding in our romantic relationships? John Gray says in his book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," that men and women have very different forms of problem solving, thinking and listening. Are we from different planets? If so, can this gap be bridged so we can better hear and be heard?

Let's look at how these masculine and feminine differences come out in daily life. First, I want to say that a man does not have to be masculine, or a woman feminine. One common example in which these two forms of perceiving exhibit themselves in everyday life is in planning an event.

For masculine consciousness, deliberation, planning, forethought, and purpose are very important values. In contrast, for feminine consciousness being present to the moment and acting spontaneously is the way to proceed. Tensions can arise if one person is more of a "go with the flow" type while the other person leans toward "will, purpose and planning."

Since opposites both attract and repel, we can often admire the other person, as well as at other times, find them annoying. Self-control can seem at one time courageous and strong. At another time, it can seem rigid and inflexible. Likewise, a spontaneous person can seem creative and alive in one light. However, at other times s/he can seem chaotic, undisciplined and an "air head."

PARENTING

I worked with Joe and Marcia last month in marital therapy around an interesting issue: There were a number of disagreements about disciplining their son, Jason. Jason had lied and was grounded for a week as his punishment, which both parents initially agreed upon. After two days, Marcia felt a lot of pain watching Jason sit in his room while his friends were playing basketball a few doors down. She let him slip out for an hour before his father returned home. For feminine consciousness, there is a strong sense of empathy and an ability to identify with another person's suffering. Joe found out about Jason going outside and felt angry and betrayed. He felt that Jason would never learn the consequences of his actions and become responsible if he was "babied." Joe also felt upset because he was the "heavy" and "bad guy" now.

This scenario is common and maybe why, traditionally, mothers have been associated with "unconditional love" and fathers with "conditional love." Unconditional love means that I love you WHATEVER you do because of who you are. Conditional love means I love you for your goals, accomplishments, victories, principles, character, and effort.

Sometimes teenagers will say that they respect their father's love for being judgmental. Yet, they may prefer receiving the nurturing and unconditional love from their mother. In Joe and Marcia's case, they were able to see that each had to change a bit. Marcia had to work on keeping her resolve and thinking about how her sympathy for Jason could let her be taken advantage of by him. Joe realized that he needed to have more sympathy and that Jason noticed. By working together and communicating with each other they were able to consider each other's point of view and not push each other into extreme positions. (An example of an extreme position is when the father punishes the son, but the mother slips him a $10 bill).

Something that really helps in this type situation is to stay open, not "dig in your heels," realize that your spouse feels that this is the best solution, and above all, keep your sense of humor.

BREAKING OLD PATTERNS

Whether it's overeating or drinking, another area in which tensions occur in relationships is where one person wants the other to "discipline themselves." "Why do you have to drink on weekends?" or "Why do you have to have a second   desert?" One person (man or woman) becomes the judge or  conscience and the other is perceived as weak, over-indulgent, or lazy. Sometimes people get extreme in these interactions.

A lot of cartoons and comics picture couples this way. The stereotypical picture is one of the man reading the newspaper at breakfast while his wife tries to speak with him. She talks even more to get his attention, and sometimes becomes emotional in order to try to reach him. Because she is more emotional, he buries his head even further in the paper, leading to a negative interaction. It's good to notice these reactions so they can be talked about and resolved. Talking about them works well to resolve the frustration, anger, hurt and other dark feelings that might develop if left unchecked. If both persons want to change, and are tired of this pattern in the relationship, then trust and new habits can be created.

HEALTHY COMMUNICATION

In summary, always try to notice and discuss the patterns that emerge, rather than let anger or bitterness build up. Don't accuse your partner. Share your impression, but listen and hear him/her out, as well. It's easy to get into the habit of accusation and fault finding, but this is ultimately unproductive. By practicing a new way of conversing, healthier routines can grow, which lead to more openness, humor and genuine caring. The result is that each person feels understood and appreciated.

Sometimes, it helps to know when to "blow the whistle" if a conversation gets too heated. It can be good to take a walk and talk later if the discussion seems to be spinning in circles. Making an effort is always an inspiration to the other person. Unfortunately, it's easy to become stubborn and wait for the other person to put forth the effort, but making the first move yourself will enrich your relationship and pay you back richly.

About the Author:

Debra Cohen is a licensed social worker in NY and Florida, specializing in individual and marital therapy with a holistic approach. Visit "The Center for Self-Awareness" at http://www.freeyellow.com/members2/selfawareness/ For a free copy of "Stress Reduction to Cultivate the Neutral Mind" send an email to debrc@ix.netcom.com