Ask any parent what she wants for her children and she'll answer that they grow up healthy, happy and safe. Yet the minute you turn on the news you're bombarded by messages that the world is full of threats to your child's safety. It's enough to make parents want to lock their kids' doors and throw away the keys. Of course, that's no solution. But there are some things you can do to help protect your child.
Most parents start with the age-old message: Don't talk to strangers. Yet according to Carol Soret Cope, author of Stranger Danger: How to Keep your Child Safe, it's not that simple. "The biggest challenge for parents of preschoolers is to come up with a good definition of who a stranger is, and to give the child some guidelines," Cope says. We, as adults, know what a stranger is, but many kids do not. In fact, for many children, once they learn a stranger's name, he's not a stranger anymore.
So what's the solution? Cope believes instead of telling children whom they shouldn't talk to, we should tell them whom it's okay to talk to. "List the people by name that you give permission for your child to be with and then everybody else is off limits," she says. "You have to tell them more than once. You have to tell them several times, especially when there's a new situation. For example, when a child begins going to daycare or to preschool, that's a good opportunity for parents to review [the list]."
I'd Like to Introduce… Dr. Bill Womack, a child psychiatrist with Children's Hospital and Medical Center in Seattle, Washington, says it's important for parents to control the situations in which children meet "strangers." He suggests that parents make a point of bringing friends and family members into their homes and introducing them, so the children know these are safe strangers.
A Fine Balance "Parents need to keep the threat of strangers in perspective," says Dr. Womack, and he believes they generally make one of two mistakes. "[Parents] either leave their kids alone in circumstances which are dangerous or they overplay the whole business of strangers so that the kids feel that behind every corner there lurks somebody who's going to harm them." When broaching the subject, Cope suggests "...talking about strangers in the context of [general] safety. Just say, 'These are the things we do to stay safe. Remember we don't touch anything hot on the stove. You hold my hand when we cross the street. Tell me if you smell smoke and don't play with fire.'"
"In truth, preschoolers don't do a lot of hanging out by themselves," says Womack. "There's always somebody who's supposed to be in charge of them. I would say that parents should tell their kids that if they don't know someone and they feel uncertain, [they should] ask the person who's in charge if they can talk to [this stranger]."
"If your preschooler is outgoing and doesn't hesitate to speak to anyone, don't worry," explains Cope. "If you're at the grocery store and somebody wants to come up and talk to him and you're there, then you'll say yes or no," she says. "It's not okay if you're not there."
The Truth About Stranger Danger According to a report from the U.S. Department of Justice, in one-third of all sexual assaults reported to law enforcement agencies, the victim is under age 12. But 47 percent of these assaults are by family members and 49 percent by acquaintances, while strangers committed only four percent of the crimes.
"In addition to teaching our children about 'stranger danger,' we need to educate them about inappropriate contact by family and friends," says Shay Bilchik, Administrator of the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, the agency that released the report. "…It's important that we let kids know that sometimes people who seem good can do bad things," says Cope. Kids need to be told, "Not all strangers are dangerous. Most adults want good things for kids. But sometimes even a good [intentioned] person might do a bad thing. I don't want that to happen to you, but if it does, you come and tell me right away."
When training your kids about personal safety, "begin at a young age teaching your child that parts of their bodies are private," says Cope, who does not recommend encouraging young children to hug or kiss adults if they don't want to as it suggests to them that their role is to please adults with physical affection. Also be in tune with your kids' instincts, "If a child expresses dislike or discomfort around some adult, you should accept that,… and encourage them to stay away."
In the end, "it's not that we don't want them to talk to strangers," Womack says. "It's that we want to be sure that they're talking to them in a context that keeps the kids safe."
More Tips to Help Keep Your Child Safe
Encourage Your Child to Talk to You. This starts very young and becomes even more important as kids get to be teenagers. Tell your kids they can tell you anything. And you won't blame them, be upset, or angry. You are a safe listener.
Establish an Emergency Plan. Someone may approach your kids and say, "Your mom had a car accident, and I'm supposed to take you to the hospital." Make sure your kids know what to do in an emergency—who they can and cannot go with.
Forget the "Code Word." A common suggestion a few years back was for a parent and child to agree on a "code word," and the child would only go with someone who knew the code word. This plan has fallen into some disrepute, and experts believe that it's easy for adults to manipulate a child into divulging the word.
Use the "Check First" Method. Instead. Tell your child not to talk to anyone, go with anyone, or accept gifts or candy from anyone without checking with you or the adult in charge first.
"Say No Then Go." If something happens or someone approaches your child and makes him feel uncomfortable, teach him to say 'no,' go to a place of safety, and then tell you, or the person in charge what happened right away.
